 |
Upper St. Clair, Pennsylvania
Parenting 101:
A Compilation of Parenting Tips
Pt. 1. Building family relationships | Pt. 2. Strengthening your child's family involvement
Pt. 3. Assisting your child to become a responsible adult | Pt. 4. Teaching your child to deal with frustrations
Pt. 5. Assisting early childhood development | Pt. 6. General alcohol & other drug awareness | Pt. 7. References
Introduction
Today, more than ever, parents face a daunting task raising children. Many of the support systems of the past, such as an extended family living nearby or close relationships with neighbors, have disappeared. In addition, the flood of external influences such as television, movies, celebrities, etc. are sending messages that often conflict with family values. The YSC (Youth Steering Committee of Upper St. Clair) has maintained as its focus the creation of programs which assist parents, children, teachers, school administrators and township officials in effectively addressing the problem of adolescent substance abuse in our community.
One recurring message from teachers, school counselors and drug and alcohol treatment professionals is that while raising children is best done with the total commitment and cooperation of parents, teachers and community, it is parents who have the greatest influence on children. Since parents are the key to raising healthy children, the YSC has for some time been involved in providing educational programs for parents. To date, these have been presented primarily in the form of seminars featuring experts in the fields of child development and adolescent drug/alcohol abuse.
We perceived a need for a simple publication to assist parents in the difficult task of child rearing. Based on knowledge gained from these seminars and various related publications, we have summarized parenting tips that seem to reflect the experts' suggestions for raising children who are resilient, creative and responsible. By helping our children develop these qualities, we can significantly decrease the risk of their becoming involved with alcohol and other drugs.
We ask you to read these tips and see if it makes sense for you to incorporate any of them into your repertoire of parenting skills. Many of the tips presented will seem like common sense, and others may seem difficult to understand or implement. We urge you to read the books listed in the acknowledgment from which most of the material was gleaned. The books offer more detailed explanations and practical suggestions. Often there are case studies presented as examples of how these tips can be implemented. It is never too late to change your method of parenting. Yes, you are likely to experience an increase in parent/child conflict when you attempt to implement changes in the way you parent your child, if he is already an adolescent or a pre-teen. But it will still be easier to make the change now, rather than later when your child is having a problem with alcohol or other drugs.
Problems associated with raising youth seem to run in cycles. Unfortunately, many of the problems, especially those associated with alcohol and other drugs, are very much on the rise. In addition, they are affecting our youth at a much younger age than ever before. Unfortunately, there is no magic bullet or formula that can absolutely insure your child's safety. But, perhaps if each of us can sharpen and fine tune our parenting skills, we can break this cycle and reduce the risk of our kids becoming involved with drugs and alcohol.
Please send any comments or suggestions to:
YSC of Upper St. Clair
1820 McLaughlin Run Rd
Upper St. Clair, PA. 15241
Part 1 - Building family relationships
The marriage / relationship with partner comes first.
When setting priorities within the family, the relationship with partner should come first, followed by the parent-child relationship, and finally career responsibilities. Don't make your child the center of attention. Give them attention, but don't overdo it. They need to learn that a family consists of many relationships, and while the parent-child relationship is important, the relationship with a partner or potential partner is the most important. Always giving immediate attention to your child's needs reduces his ability to wait his turn and to learn to become independent.
- Don't allow children to interrupt your conversations.
- Have regular parents' night out.
- Put young children to bed early and be with your spouse.
Your values and opinion matter to your child.
While sometimes this is hard to believe, research shows your values significantly influence your child's decision-making. One key factor upon which your child bases the decision whether or not to use alcohol or other drugs is what she thinks her parents reaction will be to such behavior. Discuss your values with your children. Equally important model your values for them. When you see other people modeling unacceptable behavior discuss it with your child.
- Share your values with your child.
- Model your values.
- Look for opportunities in everyday activities to comment on behavior that violates your values.
Don't follow the crowd
Decide what your values, norms and limits are, and stick to them. Many well-meaning parents are not setting clear limits. Your child needs and wants limits to be set. Just because most other parents allow their child to participate in certain activities doesn't mean those activities are good for the growth of your child. Even seemingly innocent activities, such as sleepovers, hanging out at the mall, or attending music concerts, need to be examined based on the child's age, the participants involved, the presence of chaperones, etc.
- Discuss and jointly set your values and limits with your spouse
Don't give in to avoid conflicts
Be firm and hold to your values. While in the short run it may be easier to give in to the temper tantrums, whining, etc. of your child, in the long run he is learning how to push your buttons and how to get what he wants. That is, he learns how to be manipulative.
- Don't be manipulated by your children
Loving your kids doesn't imply trusting them.
Kids need unconditional love. Trust and limits change based on factors such as a child's age, level of maturity, and her ability to handle limits and boundaries. When a child violates a parent's trust, she must earn that trust back by demonstrating actions that build trust.
- Don't fall for "If you loved me, you'd trust me"
Parent as a team.
The more consistent the message conveyed by parents, family, school, and community, the more likely it is to get through to your child. Parents may not be able to control outside influences, but they can make sure they are both sending the same message.
- Don't keep secrets about your child from your spouse.
- Discuss decisions with your spouse (in the absence of your child) before giving approval or permission for certain activities or privileges.
- Mom and Dad, be on the same page when clearly stating the expected behavior.
- Be consistent in enforcing consequences.
Build family unity.
Doing activities together is a major factor in strengthening a family. Simple daily activities, special family outings and keeping family traditions bond individuals together as a family.
- Keep a family schedule for each family member. Be sure each member is aware of family activities that everyone is expected to attend.
- Insist children attend regular family activities such as holiday celebrations, family reunions, weekly worship, vacations, etc.
- Strive to eat meals together as often as possible.
- Plan family outings.
- Hold family meetings to discuss feelings or concerns of family members, as well as to plan family activities.
Be honest about weaknesses.
Be willing to show your human side to your children. Children seeing adults make mistakes, lets them realize mistakes are part of life. By your reactions to mistakes they learn the consequences and to take responsibility to correct and/or learn from the mistakes.
- Admit your mistakes and problems.
- Discuss the consequences of those mistakes.
- Be willing to get outside help if needed.
Part 2 - Strengthening your child's family involvement
Don't do your child's work for him.
Children should be given age-appropriate chores. It helps reinforce that they are part of a family and that they are contributing to the family. The more they feel connected with the family, the more secure they will feel and the more likely they are to be exposed to and to incorporate the family's values. It helps them gain real-world skills they will one day need to run their own home. Knowing they have acquired such skills will greatly boost their self esteem. Children doing household chores teaches community citizenship. That is, children learn to give and to do for the common good and for the benefit of others, rather than always expecting to be on the receiving end. Whether it be chores or homework, do not do the work for your children. Guide them through the process, but don't do it for them. Assuming children's responsibilities teaches them how to get mom and dad to do it, and it may even make them feel incapable of performing a task. Don't try to bribe them into doing their chores or homework by giving them a reward.
- Make a list of chores for him and revise it as he gets older.
- Teach him the skills to perform the chore.
- Make sure the chores are completed at the specified time.
Part 3 -Assisting your child to become a responsible adult
Expect your child to obey and to be responsible for her actions.
In general, save your breath, don't argue, bargain, bribe, threaten or give second chances. Expect her to obey your decision. You are the parent, and it is your responsibility to make decisions for the healthy growth of your child. If she is old enough and is willing to truly listen to your point of view, you may want to try to discuss the matter. But as soon as meaningful dialog stops, then save your breath. Be a benevolent dictator: balance love and authority, and create rules which are fair. If appropriate, encourage discussion. But you make the final decision for the good of your child. For severe behavior that threatens the health or safety of a child, such as continued drug use, use the Godfather principal. Make her an offer she can't refuse. That is, find the one privilege that your child would not be willing to lose, and make denying that privilege the consequence for continued inappropriate or unacceptable behavior. That consequence will be different for each child. It may be participation in sports, going to special events, driving privileges, informing her friends' parents of your child's behavior, etc. The ultimate consequence may be putting your child in the hands of juvenile court. Some of these may seem severe, but if the behaviors are not improving and are disrupting the family, then you might need to resort to drastic measures to her know you are serious and that the behavior must stop.
- Expect them to obey.
- Enforce consequences to disobedience.
- Determine the "Godfather consequence" and use it when needed.
Don't shield your child from his consequences.
Don't enable your child to be irresponsible by bailing him out of difficult situations. Let him learn that he is responsible for his actions and must live with the consequences of his choices. Once learned, he will think twice before making unwise choices. He will learn necessary, real-world skills. If he gets caught doing something wrong, don't help him beat the rap, even if the consequence at the time seem significant, such as being suspended from the basketball team or having a DUI on his record. If you do bail him out, he will learn he can do what he wants and get away with it. Eventually, in the real world, he will do something that even Mom and Dad can't fix.
- Don't rescue your children from the natural consequences of their actions.
- Insist they apologize and make restoration for damages done to persons or property as a result of their behavior.
Part 4 - Teaching your child to deal with frustrations
Set limits.
It is important to establish limits in order for children to learn to deal with rules in the real-world. Never saying "No" and giving them all they want allows them to become self-centered and to always be frustrated when limits are imposed. Rules and boundaries allow children to learn how to achieve happiness and goals by overcoming limitations through sacrifice, perseverance and creativity. Set limits that meet the child's basic need to develop the ability to make age-appropriate choices. If she makes responsible choices and if she earns additional trust, limits may be reasonably increased. Expect kids to test the limits. Check to be sure that their behavior is within the limits. Enforce consequences consistently in a calm, respectful manner. Set consequences that are:
- related to the incident;
- reasonable, based on the circumstances;
- carried out in a timely manner;
- not complex
Consequences for repeated violations should escalate in severity. Do not choose consequences that punish the parent because they are too difficult to administer. Do not shame children; the consequence should be the mechanism to change a child's behavior. Do not reward inappropriate behavior, such as giving a child his own phone line because she can't control her use of the family phone. Don't promise rewards for observing a limit.
- Discuss limits based on age, trust earned and basic needs with your spouse.
- Communicate limits to children by writing them down, discussing, refining and posting them.
- Enforce limits by imposing appropriate consequences.
- Remember, saying "No" is needed.
Avoid rescuing your child from frustrations and disappointments.
Parents need to allow children to learn how to deal with frustrations. They need to learn how to deal with material limitations, performing tasks that seem difficult, failure, disappointment and unfair rules.
- Give your child all they need and only 25% of what they want.
- Don't do for your children what they are capable of doing for themselves.
- Don't rescue your child from failure or disappointment.
- Don't worry that your child doesn't like your decisions or thinks you are being unfair.
Part 5 - Assisting early childhood development
Encourage children to play using their imaginations.
Parents need to encourage young children to play in ways that use their imaginations. Unstructured play during early childhood is very important in learning many of the creative and social skills. Pushing young children to participate in adult-lead activities (organized sports, educational camps, etc.) is perceived the proper thing to do. While certain skills may be learned earlier, some research indicates that other skills my be diminished. Letting children organize their own activities (playing tag, pickup baseball, etc.) teaches them skills such as organization, setting rules, settling disputes, and coaching.
While today's children have the advantage of an endless variety of toys, electronic media, theme parks, etc., they are constantly complaining they are bored. We seem to have a generation that hasn't learned how to have fun without spending money on something to entertain them. Having too many toys, etc. presents too many choices for your child and makes picking what to play with a difficult, confusing task.
- Weather permitting, send your children outside to play with no or minimal toys.
- Encourage them to use their imaginations with existing materials.
- Encourage them to organize other children to play games that build social skills, such as tag, pickup sports, etc.
- Limit the number of toys they have.
- Buy mainly toys that encourage imagination. These are typically toys that can be manipulated to represent different things or can be used for imaginary play, e.g. Legos, doll house, gimmick free dolls, stuffed animals, crayons, etc.
Limit the use of television and other electronic media.
No matter what the content, television inhibits the development of a child's initiative, curiosity, resourcefulness, creativity, motivation, imagination, reasoning, problem-solving abilities, communication skills, social skills, etc. It may be a prime factor in the seemingly short attention span of today's youth. Any device that you passively let entertain you stifles your growth. Every hour of television viewed by your children robs them of time at play where all of the above skills are developed.
- Consider not allowing any television for children until they have become good readers (3rd-5th grade).
- Consider limiting older children's television to 5 hours per week watching shows that expand their view of the world (nature specials, historical movies, sporting events, cultural events).
- When watching TV with your child, discuss any activities in the show or commercial that violate the family's values or that may send mixed messages to your child.
Part 6 - General alcohol and other drug awareness
Don't assume a child's drug/alcohol use is the result of external pressures.
As parents, don't slip into the trap that a child's alcohol or other drug use is a problem caused by school, peer pressure, media, etc. While these can be negative influences that need to be addressed, the ultimate decision is an internal decision by your child. Research shows that a child makes the choice based on internal feelings. Reasons for using drugs are as simple as: "I wanted to see what it feels like"; "I like to experiment or take risks"; "I wanted to feel grown up"; or "I wanted to feel part of the group". The bottom line is that a child who shares strong internal values as the result of good parenting is more resistant to the external pressures.
- Concentrate on parenting and then work on improving the external world. Doing both will go a long way toward prevention of adolescent substance abuse.
Educate yourself about the basics of alcohol and other drugs and have age-appropriate discussions.
Being knowledgeable about the basics of alcohol and drugs will allow you to have conversations with your child on the subject. She will realize that your values concerning the use of chemicals are based on knowledge of the dangers. Begin age-appropriate discussions early and continue them throughout your child's development. A child's decision to use may begin as early as 3rd or 4th grade. The number of children who begin using escalates rapidly after 7th grade.
- Read and be familiar with basic facts about drugs.
- Begin age appropriate discussions as early as kindergarten and repeat regularly throughout the growing-up years.
- Look for real-life opportunities to share your values concerning alcohol and drug use rather than always using the lecture approach.
- Attend educational seminars dealing adolescent involvement with alcohol and other drugs.
Don't send mixed messages.
Saying you don't approve of the use of alcohol but allowing limited use doesn't work. Some parents believe allowing kids to drink at home will help them learn to drink responsibly (e.g., not drinking and driving). Some parents may develop a sense of false security because "At least he's not doing drugs". Research has revealed the following statistics about children whose parents allow or condone alcohol use: 1) the chances of that child driving under the influence are more than three times greater than the child whose parents do not allow or condone alcohol use; 2) the chances of that child using illegal drugs is about two and one half times greater than the child who is not permitted to use alcohol; and 3) the chances of that child experiencing undesirable consequences (problems with friends, problems in school, family conflict, legal problems, etc.) is three times greater than the child whose use of alcohol is not condoned by parents.
- Other than religious ceremonies, communicate and demonstrate that using alcohol before the legal age or using any other drugs at any age will not be tolerated.
Mixed messages are often presented by the media.
The media, especially television, does significantly influence our children. Consider the following: 1) the two most heavily advertised cigarettes are used by 90% of teens verses 30% of adults; 2) a study of 8-12 year olds showed they could name more brands of beer than they could U.S. presidents; and 3) a study of 6 year olds showed they were as likely to recognize the Camel cigarette mascot logo as the Disney mouseketeer logo.
- Consider not allowing any television for children until they have become good readers (3rd-5th grade).
- Consider limiting older children's television to 5 hours per week watching shows that expand their view of the world (nature specials, historical movies, sporting events, cultural events.
- When watching TV with your child, discuss any activities in the show or commercial that violate the family's values or that may send mixed messages to your child.
Learn how to detect alcohol and other drug use.
The average child has been using for 1-2 years before his use is detected or reported to his parents. If your gut feeling is that your child is using, you're probably right. Changes in your child's normal behavior are possible indicators of use. If you are suspicious, make sure you monitor your child when he comes home. If he immediately goes upstairs or doesn't want to talk, be suspicious. If suspicious, check his room. Be thorough. Check heat vents, between mattresses, etc. You may need to check other rooms. Don't be afraid that you are violating his trust. If his behavior is suspicious, he may have violated your trust, and you have the right to inspect his room. It is your house and you are the parent, the one responsible for doing what is necessary to determine if your child is engaging in unhealthy activities and behaviors.
- Check for changes in grades, attitude, friends, grooming, dress.
- When your child comes home, talk with him about what he did? Is he acting normal? Are his eyes bloodshot? Do his clothes smell unusual? Does his breath smell of alcohol?
- If suspicious, check his room.
Build a support network.
Your child has a sophisticated network of friends that will prove difficult to defeat if you go it alone. Working with other parents, as well as with neighbors, school teachers, school administrators, police and other community members is needed. The more extensive the network of concerned, proactive adults, the more difficult it will be for our children to continue any behavior which is inappropriate, unacceptable, harmful, life-threatening or illegal. It is important that you get to know the parents of your child's peers. Communicate with one another, especially about any concerns you may have about suspicious behaviors. If your child does have a problem, seek help as soon as possible and communicate with your support network. You may get valuable support and information from them. They can become even more vigilant in looking for signs of problems in their own children, since alcohol and other drug use is not usually done alone.
- Know the parents of your child's friends. Telephone to make sure parents will be present at parties or sleepovers, and that no alcohol or other drug use will be tolerated.
- Support actions of the school district and township that promote children taking responsibility for their choices and behavior.
- If suspicious, don't be afraid to contact parents of your children's peers to express concerns, compare notes, or gather further information.
- If suspicious, don't be afraid to contact school advisors and/or alcohol/drug rehab counselors for advice.
- If your child has a problem don't hide it, be open with your support network.
- Watch for signs of parties in vacant houses or houses where parents are away. Reports your suspicions to the police and/or the owners of the house.
References
Parenting for Prevention - How to Raise a Child to Say No to Alcohol and Other Drugs by David J. Wilmus, Minneapolis: Johnson Institute.
Six Point Plan For Raising Happy, Healthy Children by John Rosemond, Kansas City: Andrews and McNeel.
Readers Digest family guide - How to raise drug free kids. Pamphlet. Call US Department of Education for free booklet 1-800-624-0100